


we need you

by liionne



Series: Tumblr Prompts [10]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Dissociative Identity Disorder, End of, James Barnes is the best, M/M, Multiple Personalities, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-07-28
Packaged: 2018-04-11 18:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4447409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liionne/pseuds/liionne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt? After waking up in the future in a SHIELD facility, Steve suffers a devastating mental breakdown and develops DID as way to cope. No one even realizes because no one can separate Steve Rogers from Captain America, which just makes it so. much. worse. for Steve, who spirals into depression when he realizes no one needs him and no one would miss him. Bonus if Bucky is the first to figure it out, either because he has DID as well, or just because he's Bucky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we need you

**Author's Note:**

> i did a lot of reading up on DID to try and make this as accurate and real as humanly possible, but if you think there’s anything wrong with it, if i’ve got something wrong please tell me. i really don’t want to be insensitive or ignorant.
> 
> this is also unbeta'd, please feel free to point out mistakes!

Steve is  _Steve_. He’s 29, he’s bisexual, and he likes art. Loves art. And jazz music. His favourite food is a good cheese burger, and he takes his coffee with a little bit of cream and two sugars, more for taste than for the buzz. He sits in his apartment and sketches, or watches space documentaries, and he likes the quiet. The quiet is good, more often than not, just the silence of his apartment with the soft traffic noises from outside. He speaks French, and he can throw a decent punch, even if he tries not to.

But then there’s the Captain.  _Captain America_. A 97 year old soldier, a tactician. Fluent in seven languages (English, French, German, Russian, Japanese, Spanish and Italian, to be exact), master of martial arts, shieldsmanship, swordsmanship, a natural born leader. Asexual and aromantic - nothing matters but the job, but making sure they remove the threat and save the world. He takes his coffee black, and he likes nothing more than the whistle of bullets and the sounds of explosions, the loud and deafening noises of combat.

He hasn’t been a whole person in a while.

Three years, to be exact (and Captain America does tend to be exact, though Steve kind of doesn’t). And yet, no one seems to have noticed. No one seems to have noticed that there are two completely different people inside his head, the host and the shadow-- and, scarier, that he’s starting to lose focus of which is which.

He’s read about it. Most people don’t even  _know_  they have more than one identity. But  _he_  does. Maybe it’s the serum, or maybe he’s just plain weird. He tries not to think about it too much, and Captain America has no time for what’s going on in his own head.

At first, it doesn’t matter. But after three years, it really, really begins to matter.

No one sees a difference. Captain America holds himself with his chin held up and his shoulders back and he strides with power, with purpose, wherever it is he has to go. Steve Rogers tends to slump in on himself, head ducked, smile always a little sad, far less confident than Captain America. But no one has  _noticed_.

He lies awake at night, thinking about it. He lies awake thinking about the fact that no one needs  _Steve Rogers_. Steve Rogers is just a veteran way out of his time, a burden upon the people who need  _Captain America_ , an unnecessary and seriously heavy weight upon their shoulders. 

If Steve Rogers were to stop existing, he thinks, no one would even notice.

And it’s not like he hasn’t tried. He knows his is the  _host personality_ , the one more often at the helm, even though he often doesn’t feel like he’s in control at all. So he tries to retreat into himself, to go further and further into his own head until Captain America is  _forced_  to take over, to assume the leadership he always seems to assume, no matter what task it is he’s under taking, but it never works. He always wakes up himself, lying on his side with his knees pulled up to his chest, tears in his eyes and on his pillow, a sign that he’s definitely not the good Captain. Captain America would never cry.

Bucky comes home around September. He sleeps in Steve’s bed despite Steve telling him that it’s okay, he doesn’t have to, he isn’t expecting anything, but Bucky insists. Steve likes that. Captain America is apathetic, but then, he doesn’t tend to come out in the apartment. The apartment is  _Steve’s_  place, just like the park is, and the grocery store. Captain America only seems to take over during combat or at SHIELD HQ, and that doesn’t even exist anymore.

Bucky asks Steve to call him James, if that’s alright. Steve says of course it.

He drags himself in one night, still in his uniform, rubble in his hair and blood on his cheek. He kicks his boots off at the door, itching to get out of the uniform; Steve kind of hates the uniform. Captain America loves it, of course, but Steve doesn’t. Steve steps out of it as soon he can muster, shakes his hair out in the kitchen where the dust can easily be swept away in the morning, and heads to bed.

He’s Captain America until the fighting has stopped and the bullets have hit their target and all that’s left is the smoldering remains of the threat and the city they tried to invade. When his heart stops pounding, then Steve surfaces, sick to his stomach at the sight of such destruction and devastation, giving Natasha a weak smile when she congratulates him.

He lies down in bed, and looks at the ceiling. He’s tired, muscles aching, but he can’t sleep just yet. James shifts beside him, his eyes opening, and Steve looks at him.

“I’m sorry for waking you up.” He murmurs.

“You didn’t.” James answers. A beat, and then he continues, “Who am I talking to?”

The question knocks Steve sideways. “What?”

“Who am I talking to? Steve or the Captain?” James asks through the darkness, his arm tucked under the pillow, hair splayed out around him. Steve swallows thickly, unable to process that for a second. James  _knows_. James knows he’s not just him, he’s the Captain too, he sees it.

“Steve.” he answers, nodding, and James smiles.

“Good.” He says. “I like Steve the best.”

Steve finds him beaming despite himself, shifting closer to James as he rolls onto his side. He can’t help but wonder, no matter how good he feels, just how James could tell. How he knew that Steve wasn’t just one person. 

He doesn’t realise until James smiles secretively that he said all of that out loud.

“You don’t think I’m the same?” James asks. “There are three of us in here.” He taps his temple with a metal fingertip, and smiles, somewhat sardonic. “There’s Bucky. The old Bucky. He remembers everything, y’know? Every little last detail. He’s charming and he’s funny and he’s a bit of an ass, sometimes. There’s the Soldier. He’s violent and he’s quiet and he doesn’t remember anything except HYDRA and what happened after. And then there’s me. James. I remember what the Soldier remembers, and a few things of what Bucky remembers. And I like to think I’m way more charming than the Soldier is.” James says, giving a cheeky wink that maybe does seem a little forced, but still gets a laugh out of Steve.

“I’d noticed.” He murmurs. “That you’re different, I mean. It doesn’t bother me. I just-- I was pretty sure no one had noticed. About me.”

“I noticed.” James says, smile fading away, face serious.

“Just...” Steve almost doesn’t want to say it out loud.

“You didn’t think anyone needed you.” James says. “You thought they only needed Captain America”

Steve gives him a look to confirm his suspicions, but he says nothing. Rather, he casts his gaze away. He’s shocked when James presses a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth, nose bumping Steve’s.

“Well I need you, Steve Rogers. I need you more than I need air, can promise you that much.” James says, arms snaking around Steve to pull him closer, tucking Steve’s head under his chin. Steve relaxes so much he may well turn to liquid, looping his arms around James in return. “All three of us do.”

“I need you too.” Steve murmurs. “I do. All of you. Not sure about the Captain, though.”

“That’s okay.” James says, and Steve can tell there’s a smile in his voice as he says it, kissing the top of Steve’s head. “As long as I’ve got my Stevie.”

And Steve doesn’t know if that’s James or Bucky speaking, but it’s too late to ask. His eyes are already closed, falling into the first restful sleep he’s had in a long, long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts, questions and comments are more than welcome at [my tumblr](http://achaiion.tumblr.com/ask)


End file.
